


I Always Wanna Die Sometimes

by lonestarbabe (neverfeltlesscool), Pigeonsplotinsecrecy



Series: Conversations [1]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: (six months), Carlos is trying to understand, Depression, Discussion, Established Relationship, M/M, Really mushy, Suicidal Thoughts, TK is vulnerable, They're cute, but he resists it, but he struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:41:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22884943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverfeltlesscool/pseuds/lonestarbabe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy
Summary: T.K. talks about wanting to die sometimes with Carlos.
Series: Conversations [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644988
Comments: 17
Kudos: 141





	I Always Wanna Die Sometimes

T.K. was lying in bed, his head resting against Carlos’ warm chest. They’d been officially dating for just over six months, and it was so quiet in the room that T.K.’s brain was wandering to darker thoughts than the sweet nothings still echoing through his ears. He should be so happy. Here he was with the world’s greatest man for a pillow. Yet, there was something unsettling stirring in his stomach. He was too happy and too calm. Peace never lasted for T.K. There was always another war around the corner. The bad notions were stacking up, overwhelming T.K., leaving him with an uncharacteristic urge to share these torturous thoughts with Carlos. T.K.’s voice was quiet as he spoke in a whisper, half hoping that Carlos wouldn’t hear what he was saying. “Sometimes I want to die.” As soon as the words left T.K.’s mouth he felt the air fall on his chest, denser than ever. The whirring of the air conditioner grew louder as the milliseconds dragged.

Carlos had heard alright, and it must have been only a second or two before Carlos jerked his body into a sitting position, bringing T.K. along with him. The force of his head bopping off Carlos’ chest and being thrust into the air was a shock to T.K.’s system. He was jarred further as Carlos’ voice boomed in his ears, “What?” Carlos’ eyes were wide and looked fuzzy with puzzlement. They had both completely emerged from the post-sex languor, and franticness radiated from Carlos’ body. He was clutching T.K. as if he was afraid T.K. would run away.

T.K. regretted speaking immediately, hating that he was being such a pain in the ass. He wondered why he had to screw up every good thing that happened to him. “I didn’t mean anything by it,” he tried to backtrack, but Carlos’ grip on his arm remained firm.

“You can’t just drop something like that and then make yourself unavailable for follow-up.”

“Forget it. I’m just being stupid.” He forced a laugh. “I obviously need to work on my pillow talk.”

“Why do you always do that?” Carlos’ voice went from shaky to annoyed.

“Do what?” T.K. asked rolling his eyes and crossing his hands over his chest. He wasn’t in the mood for a fight, but he wasn’t going to run away.

“Make jokes when we’re trying to have a serious conversation.”

“Because there’s no point in making things heavy.”

“This is serious.”

“ _You’re_ serious.”

“Maybe you should try it instead of acting like wanting to kill yourself is fine.”

“It is fine. I’m not actually going to do something.”

“But you want to?”

T.K. looked to the corner of Carlos’ room so he didn’t have to look him in the eye. “I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?” It was a harsh statement, but T.K. could hear the panic hiding behind shallow frustration. T.K. wasn’t going to get defensive or raise his voice. For once, he was going to be the one with the level head. Carlos took on that role for him all the time. It only seemed right that T.K. return the favor.

T.K. shrugged. “It’s not always bad. Usually, it’s kind of distant in the back of my mind, you know? So, mostly it’s okay. I’m okay, but sometimes it just hits me. I’ll be doing something mundane like brushing my teeth, and out of nowhere, this dread will hit me. And it terrifies me that I might live to be eighty years old. Not because I care about being old but because living that long seems so exhausting and painful. It, like, just seems easier to be dead.”

Carlos’ grip loosened and his hand fell from T.K.’s arm to his back. He worked his way up to T.K.’s neck, brushing over fair skin and running his hands through dark hair. With his other arm, Carlos pulled T.K. in close just to make sure he was still there, still breathing, still okay. “It sucks that you have to feel that way.”

“Fuck. You’re sad now. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to keep this shit to yourself because you’re afraid of how I’ll feel. I’d rather know about it than for you to keep all this to yourself. No one should have to deal with that alone.”

“My dad knows,” but they didn’t talk about it despite Owen’s best efforts. “and my therapist knows,” and they didn’t really talk about it either despite her best efforts.

“That’s good. It’s good to have a support system.”

“Yeah, but now that you know, you’re going to act like I’m fragile. You’ll always be thinking, ‘What will set delicate T.K. off?’ I don’t our relationship to become us walking on eggshells. I don’t want to become a problem for you or for us.”

“Ty, I don’t think you’re fragile or a problem, but I can’t promise that this won’t change things between us because relationships are dynamic. They change with each new thing you learn, and the more you know, the better you can work together and do what’s best. Change doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can make us better. I’m not going to treat you like you’ll break if I so much as touch you, but no one should be treated like concrete. At the end of the day, we’re all a little fragile.”

T.K. shook his head, but his head felt lighter. There was less rattling. His body felt less heavy. “You’re such an optimist.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

T.K. rolled them over so that he was on top of Carlos. He eased his lips to Carlos’. “No, it’s great.” He kissed Carlos again. “It helps to have someone like you around.” He nipped Carlos’ neck, kissing until he reached Carlos’ ear. His voices returned to a whisper, and Carlos felt T.K.’s warm breath. “I don’t want to die right now,” he said, “I want to live here in this bed and in your arms forever.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this one. Please leave your thoughts on this! I love hearing from you. I also be on tumblr at Lonestarbabe. Thanks for reading. I love you all!!


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